Mississippi Scalloped Pig Feet - A Recipe

(This is a parody, no actual pigs were harmed during the writing of this article)

The Secret Recipe


This here is a real treat 'specially if ya'll are looking for a low fat type meal for everyone in the family from the kids on up to grandma. It's a real "kin pleaser" and kissing cousin on the couch comfort food companion.

Prepration

First, you take your pig* and cut his feet right clean off. Now, if you're one of them animal lover types you can spare the pig and lame him a bit - just take off one foot per pig. This will take time though, so you might as well make a day of it cause between cutting off just one foot and bandaging up that crippled little pig you done spared, you are not gonna have much daylight left. And, what with making a little bitty crutch for that cute little fellow, well, you can see where this is leading.

Proportions

Figure on 1 pig for every 2 guests. Now sometimes your fat people, like my wife's Aunt Dot, want to eat a whole bunch more. Dot could eat the drippings off a shoe polish brush. So you best figure on them real fatties on eating more. You got to know your guests with this dish or you gonna wind up not getting nun youself.

Warning

*Now, if ya don't got some pigs handy you can substitute deer. Deer ain't bad. For deer, clean that hide off real good or ya gonna get a whole lot of hair in the dish and that's not good for eating, no sir. Makes y'or guests spit the whole time. Not good at all. Reminds me of an old girl in DeLisle, Mississippi, but that's another story.

There's a lot of them Bambi lovers and Porky the Pig fans out there who are just-a-gonna have a fit about now, but listen there just ain't no way a'tall to make this stuff veg-I-tarian. I done tried. You cain't do it and I don't want to hear nothing else about it.

By the way, young pigs work out best. If you can get your hands on one of them pot belly pigs that some family got as a pet but don't want no more, get you one of them. They been fed real good and man are they tasty. (Hint - don't look them little fellers in the eye when you cut them legs off. They is pitiful.)

Hey, what ever you do, leave the hooves on that rascal. This is important ! Because you eat them pigs feet with your hands and you pick 'em up by the hoofs. Get it ? So leave them on, see. This ain't no time to go all Miss Manners.

Back to Preparation

So now, you wash them feet (the pigs, not yours) real good. If you got some lye soap, that would't hurt not one bit either. You wash them pig feet cause they wallow in all kinds of crap and stuff. That ain't good and if you don't get it all off the meat tastes kinda strange. Like chicken.

Tie off the top part of the pig feet with a shoe lace or something. Be sure to keep most of the blood in. This makes the sauce.

Put on a big pot of water and set it up to boil.

Throw in all this stuff:

4 cups of salt - more if your heart can stand it
some cayenne pepper - about 2 heaps from your hand
put in 14 or 15 cloves of garlic - more if you are I'talian
drop in 6 or maybe 10 lemons
pitch in some hot peppers - a couple of bunches
If you have it - 1 Luden's cough drop
1 big bottle of Burbon (pour it out of the bottle first)
1 big bottle of Rum (pour it out of the bottle first)
1 swig of beer

oh, yeah, fill 'er up the rest of the way with tap water

Cookin'

Bring to a boil for 4 hours or until smell gets real bad - whichever is first. Then cut off that heat and let cool until grease gets so thick you gotta put a knife in it to chop it out. Give grease to cat for hair balls. For God's sake, let cat out of house !

Do not let dog drink the liquid whatever you do. You will regret it ! Throw it out somewhere off your property. Preferably downwind.

Next, take pig feet and place on baking pan. Cover with cooking oil - man soak 'em a whole lot. Use lard if you have to. Now salt to taste and put pepper and jalapinos on 'em for good measure to bring out flavor. Bake at 350 degrees for 2 hours or until the smoke alarm goes off - whichever is first. Take 'em out and let 'em cool.

Now you take them feet and roll 'em in some beat up eggs and some corn meal and fry them up in some hot grease. Good and hot. So hot the hair on your arm gets all crinkly when you get up close to the fry pot. Don't let them kids up close to the try pot no matter how much beer you been drinking. Make 'em go play in the ditch or something. And, watch that dog. That thing will get underfoot just smelling the batch.

Almost ready.

> Let cool off. Them babies are some kind of warm.

Feeding up:

> Serve with gravy, catsup, butter, and mayonnaise dips.

> Grab by hoof and place in mouth and chew for all you are worth, man. Some good, yeah. Suck if dentures go to hurting you bad. Suck time varies.

Enjoy. Mmmmmmmm good.

Good Tips: Be sure to have plenty of paper plates at each setting for guests to put the remainder of hoofs on.

Leftover hoofs can be used for teething babies or to scrape off boots after coming in from fields or after hunting.

The Realist

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