Sunday, July 27, 2008

Handy Health Hints

From time to time I’ll try to treat you to tantalizing tidbits of timely topical tips. (Cool alliteration, huh!)
They will not include tips on how to grill on your outdoor chicken crematorium.
1. Recently I learned an important life lesson: if you eat a bowl of delicious stewed prunes, you really should follow it up with a Kaopectate chaser. I am not kidding.

2. As you age, your teeth might desert you for one reason or another. In that case, you will probably find yourself the proud owner of faux teeth. These faux teeth won’t have a great deal of loyalty to you, by the way, and tend to be quite oppositional. The best solution is to nail them in with implants. Alas, not all of us can afford such costly solutions. So you have to resort to tooth glue such as Poligrip which is, by far, the most superior product of this sort. Tooth glue not only has to adhere your teeth to your gums, it also has to act as padding between the two. So you squeeze it in the little trench of your faux teeth in the morning and pop the teeth in your mouth for the day where you can pretty well expect them to remain until you are ready to remove them. Ah, therein lies the rub. During the day, the stuff sets
up sort of like . . say. . the goop that attaches labels to products that, when you try to get it off, looks like a giant booger that you find yourself playing with in some sort of morbid fascination. And this goop has the strength of a bungee cord. So if you ever feel the urge to hang by your teeth from a tightrope over Niagra Falls, it would probably work out pretty well. The other night when I took out my faux teeth, somehow they slipped from my fingers and bungeed back so hard that it split my lip. I am not kidding. That Poligrip is strong stuff.

3. We all have bathrooms. We all keep supplies in our bathrooms. We should never lay our Preparation H on the shelf next to our Poligrip. Please see #1 and #2 for all the reasons you will ever need to have for this bit of advice. I am definitely not kidding. For those who process everything visually, you might want to poke out your mind’s eye right about now.
That’s all for now.

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