Tuesday, December 4, 2007

Trent Lott and Global Warming - A Fable

The Realist's Take on Lott

Last week our long serving senator, Trent Lott, announced he was quitting his position with five years left on his term. This was a surprise to Mississippians and most of Washington. We never saw it coming. The reason, sort of, given by the Pascagoula native was, well, now what was that reason ? I listened to the press conference with my die hard Republican friend, Phillip, and when I say die hard, Phillip thinks Bush is a "really smart person". Yeah Phillip, and Dick Cheney is a "really good shot".

That reminds me of the AP news headline concerning the latest reports from the National Intelligence Estimate on Iran's nuclear capacity, "Intelligence Doesn't Change Bush's Mind". Well, duh ! I could comment further, but what's the point. You either get it or you don't.

The Hair Thing

Personally, I have a problem with Trent Lott. Any man whose hair does not get messed up in the middle of a hurricane is suspect in my book. His hair simply cannot be real. The coiffure is some sort of helmet. It may even be connected to the internet. Certainly, it is connected to Fox News, the O'Rielly Factor, Hannity (not Combs), and, of course, Rush.

I am convinced that each morning a designated staffer goes to his house and bolts his hair into place on his head. Yes, bolts it on with industrial strength bolts - probably supplied by a defense contractor. Lott would not take a chance that his personal head gear would fall off when he bends over while kissing a special interest on the butt - and he has never met a special interest he didn't like. Until the day State Farm denied his personal insurance claim on his storm damaged house - that was a character builder.

I bet on the day he slipped up and sang the praises of old Strom Thurman at the antique crudmudgeon's birthday bash his regular "bolt boy" staffer was out sick. That had to be it, and a new kid, probably some poor intern, God forbid, maybe even a minority intern at that, must have screwed the nuts on Trent's headpiece just a tad too tight. One can imagine the screening process for the next "bolt boy" was a mite stricter when the new position came open. The job title was undoubtedly changed to "nut boy" or "screw boy", but I rather suspect "bolt boy" is more politically correct.

Rumors, Republicans and Right Wingers

Recent rumors on the blogosphere imply Lott may be gay. I don't know if Lott is gay and I don't care. He was a cheerleader at Ole Miss for what that is worth. I don't know if Sen. Larry Craig is gay. I don't care, but I sure hope he is. Why waste a good bathroom stall on a perfectly straight man.

But, don't you know so many, many Republicans truly are gay and hide in the closet (as we Democrats know they do). By asserting macho issues they seek to hide their secret lives. That's why they pretend to be macho men - and in some cases macho women, are you listening Ann Coulter - by starting wars, rattling on against women's rights, opposing gun control, and, of course, let us not forget, denying there is any semblance of truth in the concept of global warming - bring on the oil rigs boys !

That last remark might seem to be a stretch, but think about it for a minute and it's really not. Oil rigs. Guys in work clothes. Hot sweaty guys working in hot steamy climates. When they bend over what shows ? Rhymes with racks. Yes you know. Remember the workman guy from the "Village People". The one with the tools hanging off him. Come on, I'm talking about the tool belt folks. Get your mind out of the gutter, will you ? The very image could could turn a low life right wing Republican on. Yes, yes it could. Now you just stop right there. Think about it.

You're thinking about it, aren't you ?

I don't know about Trent, but, the right wingers railing against Global Warming, oh yeah, I can see it. They love those visions of sweaty oil rig workers - this reminds them of the "Village People" workman guy. Next thing you know they'll be jumping around shouting in unison "YMCA". There is no way these right winger shrill voices of unreason want those grimy sweaty oil workers to go away, and I now have - through undeniable logic - proved it.



There I've said it.

Gays, I believe, have the same rights as every other American. That is not the issue, not really. It's hypocrisy.

This brings me back to Lott. Mississippians (not all of us, but the majority) elected him for a six year term. But, no. Does he complete his term ? Does he use his seniority clout or his Minority Whip (more about the whip thing in a moment) position to our betterment ? Nope, he bails out on us. Perhaps, in a plot to allow protege Chip Pickering to get a leg up with a temporary appointment from Gov. Barbour. Certainly, some Republican will get the nod. Time will tell.

Why did Lott quit ?

1. Because he used his influence with the Republican witch hunters to keep his brother-in-law, Dicky Scruggs, from being indicting in the original judicial bribery effort to defund democratic fund raisers and this was soon to come back to haunt him with a new and more independent (and according to law professor and writer Scott Horton - honest ) Attorney General not under the control of Karl Rove and company?

2. Because he wants to make a big pile of money as a lobbyist in Washington selling his access to the corridors of power and must get under the December 31, 2007, deadline or wait another 2 years before he hangs out his "open for business" sign on K street.

3. He just wants to come home and weigh his options and has no immediate plans.

I don't know about option 1 or 2, but have you ever known a politician of Lott's caliber and standing to make a move without a plan ? Not likely.

That Whip Thingy

About that whip thingy. Why do they call it a whip ? Did Trent actually have a whip ? After all, he did write a book called "Herding Cats". Herding animals implies the use of a whip. Who trained Lott to use the whip ? I understand there are some seedy clubs in the D.C. area that employ the whip to good use on the backsides of certain politicos and high government officials to satisfy their less than "moral majority" cravings. Isn't there some sort of D.C. Madam ?

Well, these and other questions cannot be answered in this humble blog. Suffice it to say, that The Realist shall now rest having exposed at least one genuine right wing conspiracy.

The Realist



John Leek said...

I've always wanted someone to ask him about his hair on camera. When I visited Washington folks joked about it who didn't have anything to do with Mississippi. Thanks for the humor.

Anonymous said...

Actually, the term whip as used in a legislative sense, comes from Great Britain and refers to the person who kept the dogs in line during a fox hunt. For more data, try http://mcconnell.senate.gov/whip_history.cfm.