Testicles

Today's episode is brought to you by the Gulf Coast Sur-Realist, a poor but passionate substitute for Wes. For those dear readers with dainty sensibilities, please cover your eyes while you read this. You may wish to dip your lacy hanky in ammonia to have available to revive yourself and have your funeral home fan handy to help you recover from your swoon because today's topic is testicles. Yes, testicles.

You well might wonder how a blog of social/political commentary could get into an anatomical discussion. Frankly, anything to do with politics should immediately bring at least a couple of body parts to mind. It would be so easy to digress at this point, butt . . . . .

Historically, the removal of testicles has signified the removal of manhood. We all know, of course, this does not work. Involuntarily emasculated harem masters often got their revenge because, contrary to popular belief, they actually could perform. This brings to mind locking the fox in the hen house. One ancient example of a eunuch is Henry, as seen in the picture below.

To get a better idea of the actual Egyptian pronunciation, use your mind's ear to imagine Margery Maine aka Ma Kettle, a woman of action, affirmatively shouting, "Henreeeeeee!!!!!!!" and you will have a better idea of how it might have sounded in ancient Egypt. Our next example of a eunuch was also an involuntary testicle donor; I believe his name was Wingate.

European history obviously also had its vicious moments all the way up through WWII with the horrifying medical experiments in the death camps.

And then there are those eunuchs who actually still have their testicles (as far as the rest of the world knows), but who have no real manhood. Perhaps we should first agree on some of the qualities of manhood. Manhood requires courage, integrity, honor, bravery, strength, morals, honesty, trustworthiness, caring, decency, protectiveness, kindness, truthfulness, reliability, willingness to uphold duties, sense of responsibilities, and many other positive characteristics.

Strangely, these characteristics were strikingly absent from the judge in Wes Teel's case. George Lucas, Wes' attorney, had a firm appointment with him to get a ruling on the montion that had been filed for months to allow Wes to stay out of prison pending the appeal. According to George, the judge dodge him all week instead of manning-up and just giving him a straight answer. Way to go, judge. Heap on a little more torture. I rest my case.

We will ccomplete today's anatomy lesson, class, by considering the following analogy (remember how we all had to take Miller's Analogy Test to get into grad school? I thought it was great fun!):

WES TEEL IS TO A REAL JUDGE

AS

WINGATE IS TO

Ladner Family Funeral Rites and Customs

I Married Into the Southern Version of the Adam's Family

I married into a family of funeral lovers. Oh yes, funeral lovers. Not car lovers, boat lovers, horse lovers, but funeral lovers ! My in laws' hobby was going to funerals.

Attending the last rites of a treasured member of the family or even a distant relative is an obligation for most normal people. It isn't something we necessarily look forward to. Sitting uncomfortably in a pew while sad songs are played and tears are shed, though a part of mourning, simply does not make my day. That wasn't the case with my wonderful, but wacky, Ladner relatives. They are not the Adam's Family, but The Ladner Family.

Lonis and the Roll of the Dead

Lonis Ladner, the patriarch of my wife's clan, and my father-in-law, would scan the morning paper each day to see if there were any dead people listed in there that he might want to go down to the funeral home to visit. If the pickings were scant (meaning the names of the deceased were none to familiar as friends or relatives - there are lots and lots of Ladners and the dead ones do not out pace the living, so you might say the supply side is always ahead) he would expand his options.

"Tecia", he'd call out, "don't we know Cecil Burns ? Didn't his cousin Hank run the hardware store over* in Oak Grove when we taught school at McNeil ?" If she answered no, he would reply, "Well, I think we met him one time. They're waking him up at Purvis tomorrow so I think we'll go up there for the wake. We might see someone we know." And, that's what they'd do: get dressed up, drive to Purvis, Mississippi, and attend the wake - even if they didn't know a soul. Perhaps, they would run into someone there they knew. It was a social outing for them. Even a chance one time meeting with the deceased was excuse enough to attend his wake, funeral, or both.

[*In the south geographically a location technically is "up there", "over there", "down there", or perhaps, "out there". It does not merely exist, nor is it ever simply "there". ]



After Lonis and Tecia retired to the farm "up there" in Poplarville, my wife and I lived "down here" on the Mississippi Coast.

The Hell You Say

One day a former neighbor lady of the Ladner's died and Lonis called us after his morning review of the roll of the dead and invited us to supper followed by the wake to be held at the home of the deceased, where, as an added treat, the lady was going to be on display in her coffin. Now really, who could turn down such an offer as that ? My wife was pressured by her parents to attend, "You need to go because you grew up with her children and they expect you to be there." She accepted the invitation.



We had a nice meal with my wife's parents and eventually ended up at the wake at the home of the grieving husband. Greetings were made with all. Hands were shook. Small talk made. Time passed. Coffee drank. Time passed. More small talk. Time passed. We sat. We stood. Time passed. More coffee. Time passed. Finally it was getting late and my wife leaned over to her father and said, "Daddy, we need to go now. We're all tired."

"Not yet." was his reply. She asked him why not and he replied he was waiting for them to open up the casket so he could look at Mrs. Smith.



"But Daddy, they're keeping the casket closed."



"The HELL you say !" He exploded about three feet from the widower. "You mean to tell me I got dressed, put gas in the car, drove all way the down here from Poplarville, spent all that money at a restaurant, and they close the casket ? I don't even get to see what she looks like ? The HELL you say ! What kind of damn wake is this ?"



People turned in our direction so fast and heads spun so quickly it was almost like that scene in The Exorcist except multiplied by about 100 - many of whom had wrinkles. Sandwiches scattered, coffee spilled, and I swear I think I saw at lease two sets of false teeth hit the floor. My poor mother-in-law swooned (as southern women of her age and station were wont to do), and we pulled Lonis out of the room, past the astonished widower and into the car just ahead of the funeral director who I know was going to ask us to evict the premises. In Lonis' mind all of this had been a complete waste of time because he was deprived of viewing the remains of poor Mrs. Smith.

Will Rogers said he never met a man he didn't like. Lonis Lander never read an obituary he didn't like.

The Ladner funeral rites encompassed the collection of funeral memorabilia. In southern history it was traditional for funeral homes to print their logos on large flat fans and to dispense these to attendees of the ceremonies. One speculates this practice predates air conditioning, but it seems to have continued well beyond climate controlled air era. After Lonis passed away we were cleaning out his room and we came upon hundreds of these old used and weather beaten fans. They had the names of various mortuaries, cemeteries and funeral homes on one side, and on the opposite side assorted pictures of Jesus, angles, the cross, heaven, clouds, and scripture. To my surprise I also discovered funeral programs he saved that went back over fifty years. What a hobby ! If only he had collected baseball cards.

Funeral Dresses and Such

Now my mother-in-law was equally strange. Despite her small objections, she went right along with Lonis in his attendance habits. Me thinks she doth protest too much. They were much alike. After he died every time she came to visit us along with her other clothes she always made sure to pack her "funeral dress". Just in case someone she knew died, she would be prepared to go to the service. Don't laugh too much. It actually happened once, and we stopped making fun of her at that point. She had, indeed, been prepared.

My wife's crazy Aunt Docie actually looked forward to her own funeral. She planned it out in great detail - what church, what songs to be played, picked out the coffin, etc. In fact she designed and sewed her very own dress which she intended to wear in the coffin. She made certain everyone in the family knew which dress it was and where in the closet it was located. Just is case, you understand. She once proudly showed it to us.

Docie was a very old lady. Yet, despite all her planing, fate intervened. Someone, that is some old man, up and married Docie, and being a frugal old lady and not wanting to waste a perfectly good white dress, she got married in her "funeral dress". I don't know what she was buried in. I'm not a Ladner and didn't attend her service.

It is in the Genes

I believe my son Adam has inherited the Ladner Funeral Rites and Customs gene. When we would go on trips he would be fascinated with where people were buried. When he was a kid we went to Washington's Mount Vernon home. "Let's see where he's buried", Adam wanted to know. We went to Monticello, Jefferson's home. "Where's the grave?" Adam demanded. And, much later we visited the shrine of all shrines, Elvis' home, Graceland - where by the way The King, his parents, and his dead twin brother are all entombed. Adam held up the line of perpetual mourners for fifteen minutes.

I finally got him to move away from the crypt by lying to him that I'd buy him a picture of dead Elvis and dead Elvis's family painted on black velvet that glows in the dark. They actually sell them [$79.99 unframed ] across the street in dead Elvis' museum and gift shop.

I Even Owe My Marriage to a Funeral Home

Yes, this is true. My wife was dating a guy who was working as a funeral director. As a joke he and his buddy locked my future wife in the embalming room one night with a corpse peacefully minding its own business on the table near the door. I think they may have turned out the lights as an added funny ploy. He was a good jester. I frankly don't know why she didn't embalm him when she finally got out.

I think they used to make out at the funeral home on his off hours. You would have thought her mother might have gotten a wee bit suspicious when once she came home with a card stuck to the bottom of her panties saying, "Thanks from all the guys at the Firehouse. We'll miss you."

This guy was also a good dresser and used to always give her flowers. At one point we were both dating her at the same time. I think I won her over, mostly because of my charm and good looks (of course) but also because I convinced her he wasn't buying her the flowers he gave her but instead was stealing them off the coffins of dead people.

I don't know if that was true or not, and at the time I didn't care since I certainly couldn't afford flowers every week. But it did not matter. I got the girl, and I guess you might say that other fellow, well, let's just say, he got stiffed !

My wife wants to be cremated when she dies and that's fine with me. She has requested that the old boyfriend, who still works at the funeral home, not handle the arrangements. That's fine with me too. I figure maybe two, perhaps three tanks of butane, fire up the old grill and I'll save a ton of bucks. I'm fond of "do it yourself" projects.

I bet her old boyfriend will send flowers though, and I bet he's still stealing them off coffins.

The Realist

http://gulfcoastrealist.blogspot.com/

Trent Lott and Global Warming - A Fable

The Realist's Take on Lott


Last week our long serving senator, Trent Lott, announced he was quitting his position with five years left on his term. This was a surprise to Mississippians and most of Washington. We never saw it coming. The reason, sort of, given by the Pascagoula native was, well, now what was that reason ? I listened to the press conference with my die hard Republican friend, Phillip, and when I say die hard, Phillip thinks Bush is a "really smart person". Yeah Phillip, and Dick Cheney is a "really good shot".

That reminds me of the AP news headline concerning the latest reports from the National Intelligence Estimate on Iran's nuclear capacity, "Intelligence Doesn't Change Bush's Mind". Well, duh ! I could comment further, but what's the point. You either get it or you don't.


The Hair Thing



Personally, I have a problem with Trent Lott. Any man whose hair does not get messed up in the middle of a hurricane is suspect in my book. His hair simply cannot be real. The coiffure is some sort of helmet. It may even be connected to the internet. Certainly, it is connected to Fox News, the O'Rielly Factor, Hannity (not Combs), and, of course, Rush.



I am convinced that each morning a designated staffer goes to his house and bolts his hair into place on his head. Yes, bolts it on with industrial strength bolts - probably supplied by a defense contractor. Lott would not take a chance that his personal head gear would fall off when he bends over while kissing a special interest on the butt - and he has never met a special interest he didn't like. Until the day State Farm denied his personal insurance claim on his storm damaged house - that was a character builder.

I bet on the day he slipped up and sang the praises of old Strom Thurman at the antique crudmudgeon's birthday bash his regular "bolt boy" staffer was out sick. That had to be it, and a new kid, probably some poor intern, God forbid, maybe even a minority intern at that, must have screwed the nuts on Trent's headpiece just a tad too tight. One can imagine the screening process for the next "bolt boy" was a mite stricter when the new position came open. The job title was undoubtedly changed to "nut boy" or "screw boy", but I rather suspect "bolt boy" is more politically correct.

Rumors, Republicans and Right Wingers

Recent rumors on the blogosphere imply Lott may be gay. I don't know if Lott is gay and I don't care. He was a cheerleader at Ole Miss for what that is worth. I don't know if Sen. Larry Craig is gay. I don't care, but I sure hope he is. Why waste a good bathroom stall on a perfectly straight man.

But, don't you know so many, many Republicans truly are gay and hide in the closet (as we Democrats know they do). By asserting macho issues they seek to hide their secret lives. That's why they pretend to be macho men - and in some cases macho women, are you listening Ann Coulter - by starting wars, rattling on against women's rights, opposing gun control, and, of course, let us not forget, denying there is any semblance of truth in the concept of global warming - bring on the oil rigs boys !


That last remark might seem to be a stretch, but think about it for a minute and it's really not. Oil rigs. Guys in work clothes. Hot sweaty guys working in hot steamy climates. When they bend over what shows ? Rhymes with racks. Yes you know. Remember the workman guy from the "Village People". The one with the tools hanging off him. Come on, I'm talking about the tool belt folks. Get your mind out of the gutter, will you ? The very image could could turn a low life right wing Republican on. Yes, yes it could. Now you just stop right there. Think about it.


You're thinking about it, aren't you ?



I don't know about Trent, but, the right wingers railing against Global Warming, oh yeah, I can see it. They love those visions of sweaty oil rig workers - this reminds them of the "Village People" workman guy. Next thing you know they'll be jumping around shouting in unison "YMCA". There is no way these right winger shrill voices of unreason want those grimy sweaty oil workers to go away, and I now have - through undeniable logic - proved it.

Headline

CLOSET REPUBLICAN GAY RIGHT WINGERS

DISPUTE GLOBAL WARMING CLAIMS

There I've said it.



Gays, I believe, have the same rights as every other American. That is not the issue, not really. It's hypocrisy.




This brings me back to Lott. Mississippians (not all of us, but the majority) elected him for a six year term. But, no. Does he complete his term ? Does he use his seniority clout or his Minority Whip (more about the whip thing in a moment) position to our betterment ? Nope, he bails out on us. Perhaps, in a plot to allow protege Chip Pickering to get a leg up with a temporary appointment from Gov. Barbour. Certainly, some Republican will get the nod. Time will tell.

Why did Lott quit ?

1. Because he used his influence with the Republican witch hunters to keep his brother-in-law, Dicky Scruggs, from being indicting in the original judicial bribery effort to defund democratic fund raisers and this was soon to come back to haunt him with a new and more independent (and according to law professor and writer Scott Horton - honest ) Attorney General not under the control of Karl Rove and company?

2. Because he wants to make a big pile of money as a lobbyist in Washington selling his access to the corridors of power and must get under the December 31, 2007, deadline or wait another 2 years before he hangs out his "open for business" sign on K street.

3. He just wants to come home and weigh his options and has no immediate plans.

I don't know about option 1 or 2, but have you ever known a politician of Lott's caliber and standing to make a move without a plan ? Not likely.

That Whip Thingy

About that whip thingy. Why do they call it a whip ? Did Trent actually have a whip ? After all, he did write a book called "Herding Cats". Herding animals implies the use of a whip. Who trained Lott to use the whip ? I understand there are some seedy clubs in the D.C. area that employ the whip to good use on the backsides of certain politicos and high government officials to satisfy their less than "moral majority" cravings. Isn't there some sort of D.C. Madam ?

Well, these and other questions cannot be answered in this humble blog. Suffice it to say, that The Realist shall now rest having exposed at least one genuine right wing conspiracy.



The Realist


http://gulfcoastrealist.blogspot.com/

A Punishment Worse Than Jail

Reality

For someone who had never had a traffic ticket, the reality of being arrested and charged with a crime hit home for me when the Sun Herald newspaper splashed across its headlines that I was the target of a federal investigation involving Paul Minor and Mississippi Supreme Court Justice Oliver Diaz. This was conveniently "leaked" to the media from the so called secret grand jury investigation. My first reaction was total shock. How could the paper publish such a report when grand jury testimony is secret ?

Some secret. Oh, did I mention this came right in the middle of my campaign for reelection to the Chancery Court Judgeship ? Did I also fail to mention that the leak from the grand jury was never investigated by the FBI or the federal prosecutors ? I wonder why ? And, least I forget this factoid, the incumbent DA, Cono Caranna, who prosecuted me on trumped up charges and lost - I was completely exonerated after the jury stayed out for 15 minutes - actively supported and campaigned for my opponent.


Although I carried all but 3 precincts in the general election, because I did not obtain a majority, a runoff was required. You can imagine the effect the federal investigation announcement in the newspaper had on my reelection. That did it for me. I was personally shocked that an incumbent District Attorney on the public payroll, Mr. Caranna, would not only engage in politics outside his office duties, but further that he actually stood at election headquarters next to one of my opponent's campaign managers and assisted in keeping a tally on the votes. I wonder how much of his taxpayer paid time was devoted to defeating me ?

A Little History

I was the Senior Chancery Judge at the time and I need to factor one more item into this equation, his wife, Margaret Alfonso (she does not use his last name - not that I blame her) was next in line for the position. After I was defeated guess who took over as Senior Chancery Judge - yes, Margaret. I confess the other judges and I did not get along with Judge Alfonso primarily because she made it very difficult for the lawyers she worked with, and many of them refused to deal with her unless they had no choice. This increased our workload.

Margaret was so silly. One day a lawyer friend of mine gave me a necktie that a Viagra sales rep had given him. It had the words "Viagra " on it printed on a slant in small letters. It was blue, of course, and it was a joke. I put it on and wore it down the hall to the coffee room (not open to the public). It was a joke. She called the Senior Judge and complained. It was a joke. My God, I didn't wear it in court. I didn't wear it in public. It was a joke. The Senior Judge thought it was a joke when she called to complain about me, and thought she was a joke too ! Actually, most of the lawyers did too, and still do. They are, understandably, afraid to admit it. Fear factor.

I suppose I just wanted to get reelected and wear that tie, and in the famous words of singer Ray Stevens, call her and tell her, "It's me again Margaret. Bet you can't guess what I'm doing".

I truly enjoyed my job. I loved being a judge, not because of any prestiege, but because it afforded me the opportunity to help people. The amazing thing was I actually believed I was making a difference. I wanted to keep my job.

But, it was not to be.

If you have not had to have contact with the legal system count yourself fortunate. It will sully you. My friend, Roger Shuler, had one such contact and soon discovered being in the right and being innocent is absolutely no guaranty you will prevail in your case. Actually, in the real world being in the right does not always count in court. We fool ourselves in thinking that it does because this makes us comfortable. You can, and should, read about Roger's experiences in his excellent blog http://legalschnauzer.blogspot.com/. What counts more in court is the side that has more money, is able to gin up more pretrial publicity, and perhaps has a hidden political agenda that cannot be located in the cold array of a trial transcript.

The Nightmare

My family and I have been living a nightmare ever since the day I was indicted. This has been going on for over 4 years and then some. I am emotionally, mentally, and financially drained. Unless you have been put through the legal wringer as I have with countless delays, untold motions, legal arguments, two trials, so many trips to Jackson which I cannot afford, and my wife's tears which would fill a river, you would never, never begin to fathom the legal system.

The Power to Indict is the Power to Destroy

Now, as of this writing I am facing having to report to a federal prison facility on December 27, which happens to be our 36th wedding anniversary. This wonderful woman, whom I am lucky to have married, and I have never been separated. I am worried about her health and how she will survive. What will happen ? What will happen ?

To me, going to jail - even for something I did not do - is not the real punishment. Well, that's bad enough, but no, the real punishment, or more aptly put, torture, is seeing my wife so hurt. She does not deserve any part of the misery that has crashed over us like waters of a hurricane bashing against the shore. What am I to say to her every night to ease her pain, to shut off her tears, and to assure her all will be well ? If you have an answer, please send it to me, because I have no reassuring words to give her. I almost hesitate to hold her anymore for when I do, the tears come again and the agony starts anew.

Another innocent victim of this catastrophe is my wonderful granddaughter. We are very, very close. She is just nine years old and we have tried to keep as much of this controversy from her as we can. Do you have any idea what it is like to hide the newspaper from a child out of fear she will see your picture on the front page ? What about turning off the local TV station because your face is item number one and you don't want the child to view it. Think about calling this precious child's teachers and speaking to them about being on guard should another child make a remark about this to her.

Punishment. I have lost my career, my reputation, and security for my family. I feel as though I have been a pawn in someone's great scheme to get someone - not even me. Someone else. I feel as though I have been used and then casually discarded as some useless piece of scrap no longer of any value. When all of this first started I cooperated with the FBI. I spoke with them without an attorney several times, and I ever sat down with one of the prosecutors and stated I didn't know anything about Paul Minor's business and nothing bad about Minor. That did a lot of good. They didn't want to hear it.

Jail is nothing now. Frankly, I would rather be in jail than to have to watch another day of my wife's suffering.

Never

Yet, there are several things that I know I will never lose. First, I know will never lose my faith in God. No matter how much is heaped on me, God will be with me always. "Hey, big guy", I pray, "I ain't no modern day Jobe. So give me a break". I also know I will never lose the love of my wife. She will continue to stand by me and believe in me. Finally, I know I will never lose the trust of my friends, my real friends - the ones who have stood by me throughout this ordeal.

Thank you God for all of your blessings.

The Realist

http://gulfcoastrealist.blogspot.com/

Mississippi Scalloped Pig Feet - A Recipe

(This is a parody, no actual pigs were harmed during the writing of this article)

The Secret Recipe


This here is a real treat 'specially if ya'll are looking for a low fat type meal for everyone in the family from the kids on up to grandma. It's a real "kin pleaser" and kissing cousin on the couch comfort food companion.

Prepration

First, you take your pig* and cut his feet right clean off. Now, if you're one of them animal lover types you can spare the pig and lame him a bit - just take off one foot per pig. This will take time though, so you might as well make a day of it cause between cutting off just one foot and bandaging up that crippled little pig you done spared, you are not gonna have much daylight left. And, what with making a little bitty crutch for that cute little fellow, well, you can see where this is leading.

Proportions

Figure on 1 pig for every 2 guests. Now sometimes your fat people, like my wife's Aunt Dot, want to eat a whole bunch more. Dot could eat the drippings off a shoe polish brush. So you best figure on them real fatties on eating more. You got to know your guests with this dish or you gonna wind up not getting nun youself.

Warning

*Now, if ya don't got some pigs handy you can substitute deer. Deer ain't bad. For deer, clean that hide off real good or ya gonna get a whole lot of hair in the dish and that's not good for eating, no sir. Makes y'or guests spit the whole time. Not good at all. Reminds me of an old girl in DeLisle, Mississippi, but that's another story.

There's a lot of them Bambi lovers and Porky the Pig fans out there who are just-a-gonna have a fit about now, but listen there just ain't no way a'tall to make this stuff veg-I-tarian. I done tried. You cain't do it and I don't want to hear nothing else about it.

By the way, young pigs work out best. If you can get your hands on one of them pot belly pigs that some family got as a pet but don't want no more, get you one of them. They been fed real good and man are they tasty. (Hint - don't look them little fellers in the eye when you cut them legs off. They is pitiful.)

Hey, what ever you do, leave the hooves on that rascal. This is important ! Because you eat them pigs feet with your hands and you pick 'em up by the hoofs. Get it ? So leave them on, see. This ain't no time to go all Miss Manners.

Back to Preparation

So now, you wash them feet (the pigs, not yours) real good. If you got some lye soap, that would't hurt not one bit either. You wash them pig feet cause they wallow in all kinds of crap and stuff. That ain't good and if you don't get it all off the meat tastes kinda strange. Like chicken.

Tie off the top part of the pig feet with a shoe lace or something. Be sure to keep most of the blood in. This makes the sauce.

Put on a big pot of water and set it up to boil.

Throw in all this stuff:

4 cups of salt - more if your heart can stand it
some cayenne pepper - about 2 heaps from your hand
put in 14 or 15 cloves of garlic - more if you are I'talian
drop in 6 or maybe 10 lemons
pitch in some hot peppers - a couple of bunches
If you have it - 1 Luden's cough drop
1 big bottle of Burbon (pour it out of the bottle first)
1 big bottle of Rum (pour it out of the bottle first)
1 swig of beer

oh, yeah, fill 'er up the rest of the way with tap water

Cookin'

Bring to a boil for 4 hours or until smell gets real bad - whichever is first. Then cut off that heat and let cool until grease gets so thick you gotta put a knife in it to chop it out. Give grease to cat for hair balls. For God's sake, let cat out of house !

Do not let dog drink the liquid whatever you do. You will regret it ! Throw it out somewhere off your property. Preferably downwind.

Next, take pig feet and place on baking pan. Cover with cooking oil - man soak 'em a whole lot. Use lard if you have to. Now salt to taste and put pepper and jalapinos on 'em for good measure to bring out flavor. Bake at 350 degrees for 2 hours or until the smoke alarm goes off - whichever is first. Take 'em out and let 'em cool.

Now you take them feet and roll 'em in some beat up eggs and some corn meal and fry them up in some hot grease. Good and hot. So hot the hair on your arm gets all crinkly when you get up close to the fry pot. Don't let them kids up close to the try pot no matter how much beer you been drinking. Make 'em go play in the ditch or something. And, watch that dog. That thing will get underfoot just smelling the batch.

Almost ready.

> Let cool off. Them babies are some kind of warm.

Feeding up:

> Serve with gravy, catsup, butter, and mayonnaise dips.

> Grab by hoof and place in mouth and chew for all you are worth, man. Some good, yeah. Suck if dentures go to hurting you bad. Suck time varies.

Enjoy. Mmmmmmmm good.

Good Tips: Be sure to have plenty of paper plates at each setting for guests to put the remainder of hoofs on.

Leftover hoofs can be used for teething babies or to scrape off boots after coming in from fields or after hunting.

The Realist

http://gulfcoastrealist.blogspot.com/

Humbled by the Natchez Blog

HUMBLED

I have been humbled by the support that I have discovered is out there for me. One such person is Casey Ann Hughes. She writes the Natchez Blog. I have learned she is an ardent environmentalist. What is known by some as a "tree hugger".

The Tree Hugger

To some people the term "tree hugger" is meant as a derogatory expletive spit out by the cruel curled lips of Rush Limbaugh types in an attempt to belittle those who actually believe there is something about out earth that is in terrible danger from pollution. Personally, I believe that much of what comes out of Limbaugh's mouth is the very definition of pollution itself.

It is amazing how Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity and others of that ilk will sell their souls to the devil himself so long as they can continue to spout their particular form of anti-environmental venom. What can't they see that the rest of us do see ? Why are they so blind ? The truth is they are not blind. They have an agenda sponsored by the polluters.

Yes. Paid for and sponsored by the polluters and is about time we faced this. Honest people, good people who sincerely consider themselves conservatives and good Americans listen to the mind pollution coming from the likes of Limbaugh and Hannity. They are taken in by their alleged stances on "hot button" issues such as abortion and gay marriage. These rock solid Americans do not realize that these commentators are worse that Hitler's propaganda master Goebbels and they are being subtly used and manipulated.

While we may honestly disagree about many topics and fairly disagree, this does not mean that those who are in the opposite camp are necessarily evil. That is the real problem with hate mongers as I have described. They cannot put forth a valid argument on their positions without a personal attack. Not only are their opponets wrong, but they are labled "morally wrong". Thus, all Democrats are evil and all Republicans are anointed with the oil of "Truth, Justice and the American Way !" Fertilizer !

The true conservative is the man who has a real concern for injustices and takes thought against the day of reckoning. Franklin D. Roosevelt (1882 - 1945), Speech in Syracuse, NY Sep. 29, 1936.

Honest conservatives are often taken in by all of this garbage. Modern life with all of its time crunch - we have to get to our jobs, pick up the kids, get supper, and with luck have a few minutes to rest - leaves us with lettle feee time. Most of us do not have the time to do independent research on topics of interest. It's just too complex. Thus, unfortunately, we are suckered into relying on fast talking pundits who seem to espouse positions we are easily fooled into accepting. They use catch words that fly past us so quickly we are unable to absorb the meanings of the spoken words they spout.

Rush denigrates global warming. I suppose when the ocean swallows up his cabinet full of pain killers down by the waters of his estate in Florida he'll be still be blaming poor old Jimmy Carter or Bill Clinton, or better yet the illegal immigrants for causing the flooding.

Ear Mites

Have you ever listened to one of these guys ? Really listened. They tolerate no debate. Callers who disagree are quickly cut off the line and are not allowed to fully discuss their views. Their shows purport to be an open discussion of issues but the truth is they are nothing but a big ego trip for the host. It is sickening. They are ear mites in the public auditory canal.

"Less than fifteen per cent of the people do any original thinking on any subject. The greatest torture in the world for most people is to think." Luther Burbank

Clarity

Casey Ann Hughes see through this muck. She has clarity. She knows how to take a stand too, and that takes a measure of courage. Good for you Casey Ann. Good for you.

Thanks Casey Ann. Thanks for your clarity of vision. I am humbled by your dedication, by your strong ethic, and your courage. Humbled.

Catch her blog at http://natchezsms.blogsopt.com/

The Realist

http://gulfcoastrealist.blogsopt.com/

The Ring

THE RING

The Wedding


My son, Adam, recently got married to a wonderful girl, Amanda. The wedding was just perfect despite the fact that the bride’s dress was not properly cleaned by the cleaners and she had to go out and buy a brand new wedding gown on the morning of the nuptials. Added to the normal nervousness on such days, the so called "friend" who was going to provide the music for the reception decided he had better things do and went to a football game without bothering to tell anyone.

Amanda looked like the proverbial "deer caught in the headlights" cautiously meandering down the aisle (grazing for a husband). Adam was so nervous his right leg was shaking and he took more deep breaths than a new mother in a lamaze class.


Much to the relief of all of us, and especially Amanda’s mother, who was tranquilized on an assortment of medication the likes of which a street dealer would envy, the gentle blessing of the minister concluded a mercifully short and sweet service.


Thinking back, however, the engagement almost never happened.


The Proposal


With planning that rivaled the invasion of foreign soil, Adam plotted his proposal. I went with him to pick out the ring, and a beautiful ring it was. We had no idea he had such good taste !

Adam inquired of his friends - mostly single guys - about the best way to propose. As if they knew. Finally, he asked my advice. Ah, the old pro, fatherly advice, the "old man", my chance to offer him some insight into being a man. So, with all that in mind, I said, "Son, I don’t know what to tell you. Why don’t you get down on your hands and knees and just beg !"


He apparently took my wise counsel because the next thing I heard was a few days later when a frantic Amanda called me on the cell phone screaming, "Help, Mr. Wes (the Mr. Wes thing is her southern politeness coming out), Adam’s stuck in the mud." Well, what does one think? Stuck in the mud, this must mean he got his car stuck in the mud. "Help us please. He’s stuck real bad and I don’t know what to do." But, nooooo. Not the car.


"Where did he get the car stuck ? Where are you ?"


"It’s not the car, Mr. Wes. It’s Adam. He’s stuck in the mud. He was giving me my engagement ring and he dropped it. Just out and dropped it right out of his hand. We were on a bridge over some kind of water or swamp or something, and I guess he was nervous and it just flew out of his hand - right down into the mud." About now I can hear Adam yelling in the background, "Tell dad to hurry. There are snakes in here. I’m gonna die." "He says to hurry, he’s gonna die", Amanda chimes in. Oh, yes, he picked out a real romantic spot to propose in the middle of a swamp no less.


By the time I arrived on the scene, I found Adam stuck in five feet of the most evil looking dark green brown oozing primordial slime I have ever seen. And, of course he was yelling, "I’m gonna die." My appearance and his panic prompted his fiancé to begin shouting, "He’s gonna die." This in turn caused the two guys who were fishing on the bayou to rush up and see just exactly who was "gonna die".


About now, and so help me I could not stop it, with Adam’s cussing, Amanda’s pleas to "Save Adam, save Adam", the fisherman’s puzzled looks, and the thought that no self-respecting snake would slither (or whatever snakes do) through that smelly gunk just to get a bite of Adam, I simply lost it and broke down in a fit of uncontrollable laughter. I lost the ability to speak. Air pockets in my lungs collapsed and snot poured out from my now fully loosened sinuses ! To the background of "Dad, I’m gonna die" and "Mr. Wes, Adam’s gonna die", I rolled over and over on the bridge. More about that bridge later. Upon dropping the engagement ring Adam flung himself - all two hundred and fifty pounds of himself - over the railing and went after that ring. I supposed his life flashed before his eyes when he dropped it.


In our rescue effort we threw down a large garbage can for Adam to stand on to make it up to the bottom of the bridge. It immediately sank in the mud to the chorus of, you guessed it, "I’m gonna die". We pulled on his slimy arms to lift him up. Nope, we couldn’t get a grip. Too much goop. "He’s gonna die", the fiancé moaned. Finally, angler Bob and I managed to get Adam to balance one muddy foot on a piling and as we pulled him up somehow he slipped and his feet went under the bottom rail. It would be impossible to duplicate.


Imaging this picture. Adam is partially lying on the deck with his feet on the floor and his upper body hanging in space. The fisherman guy and I are pulling with all our might on his legs but Adam’s stomach will not fit under the railing. Our hands are slipping on the primordial ooze. He is yelling, "I see snakes down there. Dad, just break the railing and pull me out". And, you guessed out, Amanda is joining in, "He’s gonna die". With only your bear hands you can’t break a two inch thick pine wood railing bolted down with heavy metal screws. Trust me, I have tried.

Somehow, by some means, angler Bob and I were able to pop Adam’s overextended belly under the top rung of the rail. Plopp and he was freed - full of mud and stinking slime, but free.

The Finale


Oh, the ring, you were probably wondering. He found it in the muck. There really are miracles.

Just then I turned to Amanda and asked her, "By the way, you did say yes, didn’t you ? Because if you said no, over the rail you go !" Yes it was, and we have a new and terrific daughter-in-law.

We are lucky and my son is lucky. And, guess what, "He’s gonna live" !

The Realist

http://gulfcoastrealist.blogspot.com/

An Under Reported Revolution

US ATTORNEYS SCANDAL - AN UNDER REPORTED REVOLUTION

The US House of Representatives Judiciary Committee has voted this past week to hold former presidential counsel Harriet Miers and White House Counsel Joshua Bolton in contempt of Congress for not providing memos, documents, and testimony to the committee investigating allegations of selective prosecution and political motivation for firing of the lawyers. If you want to see the entire report go to http://judiciary.house.gov/ and look for the Miers Bolton Contempt Report.

Mrs. Miers, Bush's confident and failed Supreme Court nominee, was the author of many of the letters and memos regarding the firings of the US Attorneys. The Bush Administration has stalled and balked at providing crucial documents to the committee regarding this topic. what do they have to hide? Citing executive privilege the administration has refused to provide the Judiciary committee with the requested information. Mrs. Miers in the committee's view insulted them by not even showing up in response to the subpoena issued to her.

In the committee's report there are four crucial findings which are cited:

1. There is evidence of politically biased prosecutions and removal of US attorneys

2. Current and former Justice Department officials may have made false or misleading statements to Congress, many of which served to obscure or downplay the role of white House personnel in the firings

3. Civil service requirements and the Presidential Records Act may have been violated

4. Serious questions about the US Attorneys firings remain unanswered

WOW !

The Committee states that it has "Uncovered Significant Evidence of Wrongdoing", Chairman Conyers and Subcommittee Chair Sanchez Report, page 1. The idea to all or some of the US Attorneys originated with presidential advisor Karl Rove who was at the time himself being investigated by a US Attorney. This idea was taken up by Harriet Miers. Over two years twenty-five attorneys were considered for firing [Realist's note - including Dunn Lampton who prosecuted Paul Minor, John Whitfield, and Wes Teel].

Dunn Lampton was once on the "Hit List" and later somehow got off the list. Interesting isn't it. What does the committee report have to say on the subject of politically based prosecutions and the firing list? "The Committee's investigation suggests U.S. Attorneys may have been placed on or removed from the firing list based on their actions in bringing or not bringing politically sensitive prosecutions." Additionally, the report states, "As the venerable and nonpartisan American Judicature Society explained, the firing of these U.S. Attorneys "raises issues of prosecutorial fairness, the permissible roles of policy and politics, ad the maintenance of citizen trust in the rule of law." Report, page 3.

Equally troubling is the testimony of White House liaison Monica Gooding admitting that she had "crossed the line" in considering inappropriate political factors when hiring career prosecutors and immigration judges and in detailing persons into Justice Department leadership positions. She admits this violated Civil Service regulation. Report, page 21.

What does this mean ? Simple, the purpose was to salt the ranks of career federal prosecutors with partisan political operatives who were loyal to Republican politics - not loyal to the impartial dictates of the law. Thus, when evaluating a potential case for prosecution the public prosecutor would look it at not with the unbiased eyes of a disinterested independent "minister of justice" as the Cannons of Ethics require of a prosecutor, but with an eye possibly to how this case can help or hurt his political party.

For some reason the mainstream media has not diligently reported the committee's decision to cite Miers and Bolton for Contempt of Congress. This is a big story and will grow in importance as the months pass. I suppose there are more interesting news items, the war goes on, oil prices are spiral higher and the never ending presidential campaign drones on and on and on. Yet, there is a revolution taking place, an under reported revolution. The House Judiciary Committee has decided in its wisdom not to tolerate any more stonewalling from the administration. They are determined to get to the bottom of a scandal that has shaken the faith in the Department of Justice's ability to independently evaluate and decide (free of political considerations) which cases and who should be prosecuted by the federal government.

Why is this important?

Good question.

Answer: Because no matter which political party controls the White House the incredible power of a federal indictment should not be used against the other party's political opponents.

Those issues should be decided at the ballot box !

Remember: The power to indict is the power to destroy.

The under reported revolution won't be under reported forever.



The Realist

http://gulfcoastrealist.blogspot.com

My Nuts Are My Two Best Friends

ON FRIENDSHIP

Well, that didn't exactly come out quite like I intended. Let me rephrase the statement, "My two best friends are nuts !" There, that's what I wanted to say. They are complete, albeit wonderful, nuts. The one pictured here on the left next to the goofy bird is Dr. Simone Simone. She is the most loyal and loving true friend anyone could ever hope for in a friend.

And what is this concept of friendship? What is this quality that separates people into a category that allows us to become close to them and to want to share our lives with them? Indeed, as I myself have experienced, often we are closer to our friends than we are to our own blood relatives, and, what is more, these non-relatives seem to actually care what happens to us more than our own kin!

"Fate chooses your relations, you choose your friends."- Jacques Delille (1738 - 1813) French poet.

When we face troubles in life it is our friends who come to our rescue. They suddenly show up at our houses with food - usually edible, but who cares. They listen patiently to our whining and pity parties, and finally when they have had enough and realize we need to shut up and face our problems they tell us to suck it up and go on with life. This, perhaps, is their greatest service.

"A true friend stabs you in the front."- Oscar Wilde

I can attest that sometimes so called "friends" shy away, no let's just say what really happens, they run away from and refuse to have anything to do with you when you have major problems in your life. These people will not interrupt their lives, their comfortable zones of security, to participate in your suffering, much less to endeavour to relieve it in some small way.


The Nut to the left is Phil Simone, my other nutty friend. A few words as to the Simone's peculiar brand of zaniness are in order. Phil and Simone are the most difficult people with whom to dine. We have spent untold hours debating where to go to eat. Certain establishments are off limits.




Phil can't or won't eat onions. Simone does not like food that is not cooked up to her specifications - which fall somewhere between Cordon Blue and McDonald's (I have not figured it out yet). Phil claims they deliberately spike the iced tea at Wendy's with a secret onion ingredient. Simone will only order Pepsi and refuses to allow ice anywhere near her soft drink. She is not sensitive to cold, and I'm certain she is not attempting to preserve the world's supply of frozen water, and a certified a tree hugger she is not - so what gives?


More strangeness.


I once made the mistake of picking up and writing with one of her ink pens. This was against the "Rules". I was in the process of learning the "Rules" as her daughter, Cynthia, refers to the convoluted customs and mores that make up daily life for the Simones. Dr. Simone can actually tell when a person has used her pen. At first I scoffed at this, but upon further testing it seems that she can actually detect minute changes in the microscopic texture of the tip of the point. CSI forensic teams could use her extraordinary (and nutty) talents. Once one of her ink pens has been polluted by someone else - meaning me - it can never be used again by Dr. Simone. No amount of coaxing will convince her to reuse the instrument.

In fact the panel on her dissertation for some reason lacked an ink pen and asked to borrow hers. She reluctantly, very reluctantly, allowed them to borrow her pen to sign the approval papers. Of course, she promptly threw away the implement afterwards.

The point about friends, even nutty ones, is that one loves them in spite of, and perhaps even because of their eccentricities. It is not that such things are forgiven for forgiveness is not the issue. There is nothing to forgive. It is a matter of acceptance, and with acceptance tolerance, and with tolerance love.

These nuts, these wonderful crazy nuts, have given me a renewed sense of hope, belonging and acceptance. They have offered me shelter in a time of great need, and they have opened up their hearts and home to my wife and family when we most needed a friend. In times of crisis our faith can be shaken. This is especially true when people we thought we could count on turn their backs on us and let us down, but God in his wisdom provides others who step forth and not only take up the slack but, indeed, surpass all expectations. Such people are the Simones, and I am ever thankful they have entered my life.

Friends.

The Realist

http://gulfcoastrealist.blogspot.com

Paul Minor and a message from the Gulag

Paul Minor's Message

Once upon a time Paul Minor was a very prominent Mississippi Gulf Coast lawyer. He specialized in personal injury and mass tort (damage suit) litigation. The dream life stopped and the nightmare began. After four years of intense investigation and two trials he was recently convicted of violating federal law along with two state court judges for allegedly bribing the judges in return for favorable rulings in cases before them.

Minor sets out his explanation of what actually happened in the case in a detailed letter to the United States House of Representatives Judiciary Committee which recently held hearings on the Bush administration's use of selective prosecution of Democrats in order to gain political advantage in the upcoming elections. According to Mr. Minor and others, the scheme was hatched by George Bush's right hand political wizard, Karl Rove, who, while sitting in his White House, office used his position (paid for by the taxpayers from both parties) to apply pressure to Department of Justice (DOJ) officials to single out democrats in order to criminally prosecute them in order to punish them for their political views.

If you wish to review Mr. Minor's full letter to the House Judiciary Committee you can find it at http://judiciary.house.gov/ . Go to "Documents in Demand" under "Allegations of Selective Prosecution: The Erosion of Public Confidence in our Federal Judicial System". See Letter of Paul Minor. While you are at it, look at Mississippi Supreme Court Justice Oliver Diaz's letter, and Memo of Points in Support of Paul Minor's Motion to Dismiss. These are good reads.

Scott Horton, attorney and author, writing in Harper's Magazine http://www.harpers.org/archive/2007/10/nbc-90001343, has made a detailed and scholarly study of this topic. His conclusion is the Bush administration has used the federal justice system to go after democrats to "defund" the democratic party. http://www.harpers.org/archive/2007/10/nbc-90001321. Suggested reading: "A Minor Injustice" and "Bagging a Democrat".

Defunding is a method by which contributors are prevented from making donations. In Horton's analysis this was accomplished by prosecuting known major contributors to democratic causes and candidates. One such person was Paul Minor. Mr. Horton points out that Minor was one of John Edward's primary financial supporters. By strategically "taking out" these contributors the ability to elect democrats would be substantially hampered. Anyone familiar with modern political campaigns knows that a candidate's qualifications, his ability to make a coherent speech, and even his background matter little when weighed against his ability to raise MONEY. Everything revolves around money. Otherwise qualified but unfunded candidates stand almost no chance of being elected. This is the harsh reality in our republic.

New sources which have come forth, according to Mr. Horton, have indicated that not just John Edwards supporters were identified as early on targets for criminalizing their political activities. Hillary Clinton supporters were also identified and are presently being dogged be the heavy hand of the feds bent on stamping out political opposition.

Money, big money, money to run TV ads, to take polls, to hire consultants, and to print campaign literature is what matters - not ideas or policies. Eliminating a political party's fund raising capacity is the death knell of that party.

A pioneering citizen journalist, Robert Schuler, no stranger to being abused by the judicial system himself in civil litigation, who writes in his Legalschnauzer blog http://legalschnauzer.blogspot.com/ has examined the Minor case in depth. His series, "Mississippi Churning" is masterfully written. It explores motives for the prosecution and concludes the case was without merit and fatally flawed along with numerous court rulings.

Both Schuler and Horton take on one of the worse scandals in Alabama, the Governor Siegelman case. They document the political influences which were brought to bear which resulted in Siegleman's subsequent prosecution and conviction. This is a prosecution which implicates the present Alabama governor, numerous prosecutors, and reached up to the higher eschelons of the Bush administration including Karl Rove and discredited former US Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez. The methods, means, and motives behind the Siegleman case seem to mimic those employed in the Paul Minor case.

Paul Minor states he is innocent of the charges levied against him. He further states he believes he was targeted for prosecution not because he committed any crime, but because he is a democrat and his prosecution accomplished Karl's Rove's goal of shutting down another source of funding for the democratic party.

The Realist is inclined to agree with Mr. Minor's conclusions- especially since I am one of those two state court judges who was convicted with him!

The Realist believes that there are people of goodwill who think that the might of the federal legal system should be reserved for those who deserve to be prosecuted for actual crimes, not for their political views - regardless of party affiliation. Should the democrats gain control of the executive branch of government it would be just as morally repugnant should they target republicans for criminal prosecution merely to disrupt and "defund" the republican party.

The trite old adage that "what goes around comes around" has a large measure of common sense truth to it. Karma, if you like.

If you as a person of goodwill and a person who believes in rule of law want to take action to preserve our system of justice [yes, you can actually do something about it] take a minute and write or email a letter to the members of the House Judiciary Committee and implore them to investigate the Paul Minor case. This is not about party or philosophy. It is about not allowing anyone from any political party to use the justice system to further a political agenda.

You do remember who headed the judicial system in Nazi Germany don't you? That great humanitarian and civil rights activist Herman Goering.

The Realist

http://gulfcoastrealist.blogspot.com